Triangulation is a psychological manipulation tactic used when one member of a two-person conflict pulls in a third person to better control the situation. Triangulation refers to a manipulation tactic where one person uses a third party to control and divide relationships, often through indirect communication and confusion. It’s problematic because the third person is being exploited in an attempt to manipulate and sometimes emotionally abuse the other person within the conflict.
As a manipulative strategy, triangulation is designed to serve the interests of the manipulator by creating conflict and power imbalances. It is an unhealthy strategy that can generate toxicity and additional unnecessary negativity in all kinds of relationships. Triangulation manipulation can foster confusion, instability, and emotional harm by controlling communication and creating conflict among those involved.
It can become a chronic process for individuals who are inclined to be manipulative to get their way or pit people against one another. Triangulation is often an attempt by people to maintain control over a situation and seek benefit from it in the form of loyalty or attention from the other parties. It brings complications and confusion because too many people get involved, increasing the risk of harmful behaviors. Triangulation functions as a manipulative strategy in relationships by involving a third person to exert control, create divisions, and manipulate dynamics, often leading to emotional distress and mistrust.
Triangulation in Relationships: The Role of the Third Person
Triangulation can be used in a variety of relationship types. It can occur in families, between siblings, or one parent and a child can ally against the other parent. It can also happen in friendships, when one person’s feelings are hurt and a third party is brought in for perceived support or understanding. Additionally, triangulation can also take place within romantic partnerships, often when one partner involves a person from the outside to create feelings of jealousy. In a romantic relationship, triangulation can be used to create jealousy and exert control, with a manipulator bringing in a third party to foster competition or discord. A baiting person may subtly provoke or set up conflicts to manipulate others, using indirect communication to create division. Relationships involving triangulation often experience manipulation, confusion, and emotional strain across various settings.
The process of triangulation can lead to challenges and dysfunctional exchanges in relationships. Such dynamics can complicate communication and trust among individuals. It can create stress, confusion, and anxiety for the involved parties.
Family Dynamics and Triangulation
Triangulation often plays a significant role in family dynamics, especially within a dysfunctional family unit. In these situations, a common manipulation tactic is for a narcissistically inclined parent to control communication between family members, sometimes by refusing to acknowledge each child’s unique personality or by discouraging direct sibling interaction. This can result in a golden child-scapegoat dynamic, where one child is consistently favored and idealized while another is blamed or devalued. Such patterns can cause deep hurt feelings, erode self-esteem, and create lasting rifts among family members.
Recognizing triangulation within family dynamics is essential for resolving conflicts and restoring healthy communication. When one child is pitted against another, or when a parent forms exclusive alliances, it undermines trust and fosters low self-esteem. Family therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing these issues, as it helps all family members strengthen communication skills, break dysfunctional patterns, and work toward a more supportive and balanced family environment.
The Problem with Triangulation
The immediate outcome of triangulation is that attention is drawn away from the issue at hand, the conflict between two people in a relationship. The third member brought into the triangulation can feel pressured or manipulated as they are brought into the conflict. One party in the triangle ends up feeling rejected or excluded from the alliance formed.
Additionally, the third person may be an inappropriate person to be invited into the situation. For example, a parent becomes a mediator between the other parent and the child. Triangulation can begin when one family member involves another instead of addressing the issue directly. Direct communication with each family member is crucial to prevent misunderstandings and manipulation. Sometimes, a parent refuses to acknowledge their child’s individuality, which can contribute to dysfunctional dynamics. This refusal can undermine the children’s personality and lead to unhealthy family roles. In some families, selfish caregiver splits occur, where the caregiver creates roles like the golden child and scapegoat, further damaging relationships.
In some cases, triangulation is an intentional effort to turn a situation in favor of the manipulator. It may involve turning people against each other, making someone else look like the bad guy, and creating emotional confusion in communication. Manipulators may use triangulation to create drama and escalate conflict for their own benefit.
Sometimes, triangulation is unintentional, or people may not realize the impact of their behaviors. Individuals may employ triangulation strategies to avoid direct confrontation or difficult circumstances. They may be uncomfortable speaking up or addressing an issue directly with the person, preferring indirect methods over direct confrontation. They get a third party involved, yet potentially fuel the fire even more. The type of person who engages in triangulation often demonstrates passive-aggressive tendencies and lacks assertiveness.
Some also lack psychological insight or awareness into understanding their behaviors. It may be common to go to a friend for support when there is a problem or a need for support. In these situations, however, they are often looking for someone to agree with them and verify the perceived injustice they think they have experienced. A healthier approach is to objectively evaluate the situation before involving others.
Creating this partnership can momentarily alleviate the stress of the situation. However, it can get risky as it leads to dysfunctional patterns and cycles in the relationship, especially if reinforced over multiple occasions. This often results in creating tension and escalating conflict. It creates a messy situation that will often lead to even more hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Over time, this can foster a hostile environment where trust breaks down and emotional distress increases.
When emotions run high, those involved may lose control and react impulsively, which can worsen the situation. Practicing self-control is essential to managing emotional responses and maintaining healthy communication.
Signs of Triangulation
There are several telltale signs that triangulation is occurring in relationships. One of the most common is indirect communication, where a third person is used to relay messages or mediate between two individuals, rather than encouraging direct interaction. This can create confusion, escalate misunderstandings, and generate unnecessary drama. In romantic relationships, triangulation might involve introducing a new romantic interest or friend to provoke jealousy or insecurity, disrupting the trust between partners.
Within family dynamics, triangulation can manifest when a parent forms a close alliance with one child, using that relationship to influence or control another parent or sibling. Other signs include favoritism, the spread of rumors or gossip, and the deliberate creation of tension between people involved. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward addressing relationship triangulation and fostering healthier, more direct communication.
Impact on Self-Esteem
The effects of triangulation on self-esteem can be profound, especially for those who are repeatedly caught in these manipulative dynamics. Individuals who are triangulated may experience persistent low self-esteem, self-doubt, and emotional distress. Being drawn into conflicts as a third party or being excluded from alliances can make it difficult to trust others and maintain a sense of self-worth.
Over time, triangulation can lead to a loss of control and autonomy, as individuals feel powerless against the manipulation tactics at play. This emotional turmoil can hinder the ability to form healthy relationships and resolve conflicts constructively. Building self-esteem in the face of triangulation involves recognizing these patterns, developing strong communication skills, and learning effective strategies for resolving conflicts and asserting personal boundaries
Why Do People Engage in Triangulation?
People are often seeking an alliance with someone to support their position. Individuals are drawn to connections and tribes, especially when they are faced with a challenge. They want to be understood and validated, so they may seek out this affirmation by manipulating people to get them on their “side.” A narcissistically inclined person may use triangulation as a way to control others and gain attention within relationships.
Such tactics are utilized more by people who are insecure, emotionally immature, or easily intimidated. Triangulating may feel good at the moment, yet it can be difficult to break the triangulation cycle. Triangulated individuals often become unwitting participants in these dynamics, manipulated into taking sides or fueling conflict. Once it is in place, it can be reinforced in an unhealthy way, creating more complicated and polarizing behaviors in the relationships. This disruption can significantly impact the family process, altering communication patterns and relational stability. In families, especially those with teenagers, triangulation can negatively affect adolescent development by increasing stress, confusion, and emotional insecurity.
Triangulation and Personality Disorders
Triangulation is often commonly associated with being a tactic used by people with personality disorders, most notably narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). In these types of cases, the person with NPD is trying to draw attention to themselves or establish their superiority over the other person in the conflict. While the use of triangulation is a textbook example of narcissistic behavior, it’s worth noting that it is not exclusive to them.
How to Avoid Triangulation
Gaining awareness of these potential dynamics is critical. If you feel the need to reach out and call someone when you are in a contentious situation, pause first. Try not to bring in additional parties when you feel you have been wronged. Watch for a tendency to replay victim-like thoughts. If you catch yourself feeling like the victim, take inventory and try to redirect. Keep as few people as possible in the conversation. Try not to have side conversations, yet communicate directly with the person.
Learning assertive communication skills can help reduce the risk of triangulation. Consider practicing techniques to tactfully say what you mean and mean what you say, even if you have feelings of discomfort while doing so. Gaining confidence in sharing your feelings with people can be helpful and lead to healthy conflict resolution. When addressing concerns, try to express your thoughts and feelings in your own words to promote genuine communication and avoid misunderstandings.
It is also important to recognize and avoid triangulation in workplace settings, where it can lead to miscommunication and a toxic work environment.
How to Address Triangulation
If you or others you care about are experiencing triangulation in your relationships, consider taking a step back. The first step is to recognize triangulation by identifying indirect communication patterns, shifting role dynamics, and emotional signals that may indicate this manipulation tactic. Creating a healthy detachment from the emotions that result from the situation can foster objectivity.
Encourage the two people involved in the exchange to communicate directly about their challenges. Maintaining objectivity and neutrality is essential in working through emotionally charged or conflict-ridden situations. Qualified mental health professionals and counselors can also help navigate relationships involving chronic triangulation.
The Role of Therapy
Therapy can be instrumental in helping individuals and families address triangulation and its damaging effects. A skilled therapist can assist family members in recognizing the signs of triangulation and guide them toward healthier ways of interacting. Through family therapy, participants can practice direct communication, learn to express their needs assertively, and develop strategies for resolving conflicts without resorting to manipulation.
Therapists also help individuals recognize how triangulation has impacted their self-esteem and relationships, empowering them to break free from dysfunctional patterns. By fostering open dialogue and teaching effective communication skills, therapy supports the development of healthier family dynamics and more positive, supportive relationships.
Building Healthy Relationships
Creating and maintaining healthy relationships requires a commitment to open and honest communication, emotional intelligence, and effective conflict resolution. Recognizing and addressing triangulation is a crucial part of this process, as it helps prevent the manipulation and drama that can undermine trust and connection. Positive relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and a willingness to resolve conflicts constructively.
To build strong, positive relationships, individuals should focus on promoting healthy communication, seeking support from mental health professionals when needed, and practicing self-care and self-compassion. Striking a healthy balance between independence and interdependence allows for both personal growth and meaningful connection. By developing these skills and addressing triangulation head-on, individuals can foster relationships that are resilient, respectful, and deeply fulfilling.
Sources
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- Klever, P. (2008). The primary triangle and variation in nuclear family functioning. Contemporary Family Therapy, 31(2), 140–159. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-008-9082-2
- Noble, H., & Heale, R. (2019). Triangulation in research, with examples. Evidence-based nursing, 22(3), 67–68. https://doi.org/10.1136/ebnurs-2019-103145
- Vanwoerden, S., Kalpakci, A., & Sharp, C. (2017). The relations between inadequate parent-child boundaries and borderline personality disorder in adolescence. Psychiatry Research, 257, 462–471. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2017.08.015
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Karen Doll has been a Licensed Psychologist in the Twin Cities for 20 years, working in organizational consulting. She leverages her education in Clinical Psychology with her leadership assessment expertise in her practice. She is an executive coach focusing on helping people maximize their potential.