One of the things we desire in romantic relationships is to be heard and given space to express our innermost thoughts and feelings, which is a key aspect of the therapeutic relationship. Therapy sessions typically last an hour, providing ample time for clients to allow themselves to be vulnerable and express their feelings and thoughts openly. This is precisely what therapists offer, often knowing intimate details of our lives that we may not share with others. It’s therefore not uncommon to develop feelings for your therapist, but if left unaddressed, this can negatively impact your therapy.
Why Do People Fall in Love With Their Therapists?
Therapists use methods that involve empathy, listening, and validation. The feeling of having a trusted friend help you navigate difficult situations can be very rewarding. In certain cases, it can result in an attraction between the client and therapist.
The relationship with the therapist is important in all therapeutic modalities. Study results indicate that a good relationship between the client and therapist leads to higher outcomes. Therapists strive to establish a good relationship early in treatment to establish rapport, enabling the clients to feel more comfortable opening up. This is why it can be quite common for patients to develop romantic or sexual feelings for their therapists, and this is nothing to feel ashamed about.
Talk to Your Therapist About the Situation
Although uncomfortable, discussing your feelings with your therapist is the best course of action. Do not be afraid to admit to them that you are experiencing romantic feelings toward them. It is the therapist’s job to help clients navigate their feelings. They have likely dealt with this before, and even if not, they have training in how to handle it.
Therapists are trained in a concept called “transference,” which refers to the application of specific feelings or expectations towards one person that are actually meant for another person who may be more accessible. Your therapist can help determine whether this is a case of transference or not, and advise you accordingly. Understanding your feelings in this context can lead to significant insights and personal growth.
Try to Understand Where Your Feelings Come From
This is an excellent opportunity to explore the underlying reasons for your feelings and experience personal growth. Reflecting on how past relationships influence your current feelings can provide valuable insights.
It can be challenging to open up about these emotions, but it is a critical step in advancing your therapy and achieving meaningful transformation.
It’s also worth reflecting on how these feelings might be impacting your therapy. Are they hindering your progress, making it hard to concentrate, or changing your perspective on therapy sessions? If so, do you believe that discussing them will help you move past them?
Make a Decision With Your Therapist
If you feel uncomfortable continuing therapy with your current therapist, you may want to consider finding a new one. It is important to maintain professionalism with a former therapist to avoid ethical dilemmas and potential conflicts. Before ending your relationship with your therapist, it’s advisable to communicate your decision and work together to find a more appropriate fit. Your therapist may even be able to recommend someone who can better meet your needs at this time.
If you and your therapist conclude that these feelings are simply a case of transference, in which case they can help you redirect your emotions to the right person. If this happens, it can spark a significant breakthrough in your treatment, allowing you to continue working with your therapist. However, it’s still wise to remain cautious in case the feelings return.
In Conclusion
It’s important to remember that having feelings for your therapist is not unusual, and therapy is the ideal place to explore all kinds of emotions, including those that might resemble a romantic relationship. Although it may require some courage, discussing these feelings can take your therapist-client relationship to the next level and serve as a significant turning point in your personal growth.
Sources
- Levy, K. N., & Scala, J. W. (2012). Transference, transference interpretations, and transference-focused psychotherapies. In Psychotherapy (Vol. 49, Issue 3, pp. 391–403). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0029371
- Macalpin, I. (1950). The Development of the Transference. Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 19(4), 501–539. https://doi.org/10.1080/21674086.1950.11925820
- DeAngelis, T. (n.d.). Better relationships with patients lead to better outcomes. https://www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2019/11/ce-corner-relationships
- Rabasco, A., Mariaskin, A., & McKay, D. (2023). Well, that was awkward: when clients develop romantic feelings for therapists. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 30(2), 238–247. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cbpra.2021.09.004
Alyssa Greene, LPCC has a Masters degree from University of Wisconsin in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She is a licensed therapist practicing in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Alyssa has experience in working with various populations, but most experience working with eating disorders and body image.