Entering a new relationship can be both thrilling and scary at the same time. The possibility that things will progress and evolve into a long-term commitment may excite you, but it’s hard to ignore the risk that you may end up getting hurt. One common fear in new relationships is that your new partner is emotionally unavailable, and it can be difficult to realize when this is the case.
Emotional unavailability is a challenge that affects many relationships, often causing them to shift from fulfilling partnerships to disconnected ones. Realizing emotional unavailability early on is crucial for building healthier connections and avoiding repeated patterns.
What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Unavailable?
Emotional unavailability typically refers to having difficulty expressing emotions and forming emotional connections. This often results in a lack of emotional closeness, making it hard to build the intimacy and security needed for a healthy relationship. Emotionally unavailable people find it challenging to maintain serious relationships and usually prefer to keep some distance from their partners rather than become closer over time.
Attachment style can play a significant role in emotional unavailability. If you’re looking for a serious, close, and intimate relationship, but suspect that your current partner is emotionally unavailable, you may find that things will never progress as you’d like.
Societal or cultural expectations can also contribute, as these norms often discourage showing emotions, promoting emotional detachment, and making it harder for individuals to express their feelings openly.
Understanding the Root Cause
Emotional unavailability rarely appears out of nowhere. Often, it is rooted in a person’s past experiences, fears, or learned behaviors that make forming a genuine emotional connection difficult. Many emotionally unavailable people have faced trauma, neglect, or emotional abuse in previous relationships or even during childhood. These experiences can lead to the development of emotional walls as a way to protect oneself from further pain. Sometimes, societal or cultural expectations, such as the pressure to always appear strong or unemotional, can also contribute to emotional unavailability.
Understanding the root cause of emotional unavailability is essential for anyone hoping to build a healthier relationship. By recognizing that these behaviors often stem from deep-seated fears and past experiences, both partners can begin to address emotional barriers together. This awareness can be the first step toward developing greater emotional awareness and fostering a more authentic connection.
Signs of an Emotionally Unavailable Partner
There are specific signs to help you identify if your partner, or potential partner, is emotionally unavailable. These signs often reflect your partner’s behaviors, such as emotional withdrawal, defensiveness, or lack of vulnerability. Recognizing a partner’s emotional unavailability early is important for maintaining your own well-being and setting healthy boundaries.
Below are a few signs to help you identify if your partner, or potential partner, is emotionally unavailable.
Past Relationships Were Not Serious
How a person’s previous relationships ended can provide valuable insights, particularly regarding commitment, vulnerability, and emotional intimacy. If their past relationships consistently reached a dead end at the junction of commitment and intimacy, it’s a strong indicator of emotional unavailability.
They Seek Imperfections
An emotionally available partner will actively seek imperfections or reasons why a relationship is destined to fail. Even if an obvious reason doesn’t exist, they will invent one. This imperfection provides them with an easy escape route to avoid emotional vulnerability and gives them the perfect excuse to end the relationship.
They Anger Often
Individuals who struggle to control their anger or exhibit aggression towards others may use anger and rage as a smokescreen to mask how they truly feel and what they actually feel inside. This behavior can leave their partner feeling confused about the true state of the relationship, as it becomes difficult to understand what the person really feels. They may be out of touch with their own emotions or unwilling to explore and address them, and the emotionally unavailable person may not be in touch with how they actually feel. Such individuals are also likely to be emotionally abusive towards their partners.
They Exhibit Evasive Behavior
Someone aloof or evasive may intentionally act this way to steer clear of deeper conversations. By keeping interactions lighthearted and superficial, they aim to avoid the emotional minefield that lies within more intimate discussions. There may be a moment, such as when a partner tries to talk about feelings or address a problem, when their emotionally distant behavior becomes most apparent. If they persist in evading such conversations, they maintain a comfortable distance to prevent their partner from getting too close.
They Acknowledge Emotional Unavailability
Some individuals openly admit their fear or aversion to intimacy, commitment, or long-term relationships. Emotionally unavailable partners may not make you feel like you are on their priority list or that you matter, no matter how much effort you put in. Unfortunately, many people perceive these statements as a challenge and believe they possess the unique ability to break through emotional barriers, ultimately pushing their partner further away.
Inarguably, dating and relationships present their fair share of challenges. Numerous variables and uncertainties make navigation difficult and even daunting. However, being aware of emotional unavailability or resistance to intimacy and commitment can aid in choosing a suitable partner. Knowing how to identify an emotionally unavailable partner early in the dating process can alleviate some of your fears and make the journey more pleasant.
Impact on Mental Health
Being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner can take a toll on your mental health. The absence of a strong emotional connection and support can leave you feeling lonely, isolated, and questioning your self-esteem. Over time, the emotional distance and lack of validation may cause you to doubt your own feelings or even your worth within the relationship.
Emotionally unavailable partners may also engage in behaviors like gaslighting or emotional manipulation, which can further harm your mental health. The ongoing stress and anxiety of trying to connect with an unavailable partner can lead to symptoms of depression, burnout, and a general sense of emotional exhaustion. It’s important to prioritize your mental health by seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional if you find yourself struggling in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person.
Meeting Emotional Needs
Every healthy relationship relies on both partners being able to meet each other’s emotional needs. Emotionally available partners are willing to engage in meaningful conversations, show vulnerability, and create a safe space for intimacy and connection. However, emotionally unavailable partners often struggle in these areas, leaving you feeling unheard, unseen, or disconnected.
To bridge this gap, it’s important to communicate openly about your emotional needs and encourage your partner to do the same. Practicing active listening, showing empathy, and making time for honest conversations can help foster a deeper emotional connection. If your partner is unwilling or unable to engage on an emotional level, it may be necessary to reevaluate whether the relationship can truly fulfill your needs for intimacy and support.
The Importance of Self-Care
When you’re in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, prioritizing self-care becomes even more important. Taking care of your own emotional well-being can help you manage stress, maintain a sense of self, and build resilience in the face of emotional challenges. Engaging in activities that bring you joy, practicing mindfulness, and seeking support from loved ones can all contribute to your emotional health.
Self-care also empowers you to set healthy boundaries, communicate your needs clearly, and make informed decisions about your relationship. By focusing on your own emotional needs and well-being, you can cultivate the strength and self-awareness needed to navigate difficult relationships and, ultimately, create more fulfilling connections in your life.
In Summary
Understanding the signs of emotional unavailability in potential partners is crucial for a more fulfilling dating experience. Emotional detachment can cause partners to feel lonely or be perceived as needy, leading to emotional disconnection and frustration in relationships. By being mindful and attentive, individuals can protect themselves from heartache and create healthier connections.
Sources
- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: Observations in the strange situation and at home. Hillsdale, N]: Erlbaum.
- Saunders, H., Kraus, A., Barone, L., & Biringen, Z. (2015). Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention. Frontiers in Psychology, 6. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069
- Simpson, J. A. (1987). The dissolution of romantic relationships: Factors involved in relationship stability and emotional distress. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(4), 683–692. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.53.4.683
- Vangelisti, A. L., & Beck, G. (2007). Intimacy and Fear of Intimacy. In Springer eBooks (pp. 395–414). https://doi.org/10.1007/0-387-36899-x_20
Tracy is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is a clinical supervisor for a Community YMCA. Tracy has over 12 years of experience working in many settings including partial care hospitalization and intensive outpatient programs, community agencies, group practice, and school-based programs. Tracy works with clients of all ages, but especially enjoys working with the adolescents.