The notion of love is actually quite complex. We can love someone in the notion of love and go on to marry and make a life with them. We can love a child unconditionally with our entire being. We can love a parent or a best friend, but in a very different way than we love our significant other. We can show love and compassion for others. We need to figure out what self love means before anything else. Commenting that we love pancakes has a very different connotation when we utter “I love you” for the first time.
Interestingly enough, the solitary word “love” is somehow supposed to encompass all of these emotions and feelings. Perhaps society has taught us to distinguish the various types and degrees of love based on connotations, nuances, or experiences. In contrast, philosophers in ancient Greece made the concept more concrete by breaking it down into various categories. They came up with seven types of love as detailed below:
Eros: Love of the Body
This type of love illustrates sexual attraction, physical desire towards others, and a lack of control. It is powerful, passionate, and can dissipate quickly. Relationships that are built solely on eros love tend to be short-lived.
Philia: Affectionate love
Philia love accounts for the type of love that you feel for parents, siblings, family members, and close friends. This type of love is linked with loyalty, companionship, and trust. Philia love is shared among those who have similar values and experiences. The Greek philosophers considered philia to be an equal love and valued it higher than eros love.
Storge: Love of the Child
This type of love describes the unconditional love that parents have for their children. It is defined by unconditional approval, acceptance, and sacrifice. This type of love helps a child to develop through attachment, encouragement, and security.
Agape: Selfless Love
Agape love is representative of universal love. Greek philosophers felt that this is the type of love that people feel for other humans, for nature, and for a higher power. This love can be most easily expressed through meditation, nature, intuition, and spirituality. Agape love can be used interchangeably for charity and care for others.
Ludus: Playful Love
Playful love is defined by flirtatiousness, seduction, and sex without commitment. The focal point of this love is on the experience rather than attraction or feelings. Ludus is evident in the beginning of a relationship and is comprised with elements of play, teasing, and excitement.
Pragma: Long-Lasting Love
Long-lasting love is evident in couples who have been together for a long period of time. This type of love continues to develop throughout the years and portrays synchronization and balance. This type of love can only survive with constant maintenance and nurturance.
Philautia: Love of the Self
Self-love is linked with confidence and self-worth and is necessary for a sense of purpose and fitting-in. Philautia can be unhealthy and linked to narcissistic behaviors and arrogance, or can be healthy in the sense that we love ourselves before we learn how to love others. Greek philosophers believed that true happiness could only be achieved when one had unconditional love for themselves.
How the Different Types of Love Work Together
Perhaps we do not break down the concept of love like the ancient Greek philosophers once did. Admittedly, it would likely be very complicated to incorporate these Greek terms into our day-to-day conversations. However, there are bits and pieces and truths from each one that help to comprise our notion of love today.
One of the things you’ve probably noticed is that these types of love are not mutually exclusive. We don’t love in pieces. We love as people, in all kinds of ways. For example, your romantic relationship might be full of eros (sexual attraction), but to truly achieve pragma (long-lasting love), you also need ludus (playful love), philautia (self-love) and philia (affectionate love). A healthy friendship, relies on philia (affectionate or platonic love), but also needs philautia (self-love) and some degree of support from storge (familiar love).
Think about some of the relationships in your life. What do you see? Are there opportunities to strengthen the “loves” you have?
Learning about the types of love can help you to understand how you view love and how you experience love. And when you understand that, relationships begin to make so much more sense. You’ll begin to see the many facets of your relationships. How much love is in your life just might surprise you.
Sources
- Hendrick, C., & Hendrick, S. (1986, February). A theory and method of love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50(2), 392–402. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.50.2.392
- Davis, K. E., & Latty-Mann, H. (1987, November). Love Styles and Relationship Quality: A Contribution to Validation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 4(4), 409–428. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407587044002
Tracy is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is a clinical supervisor for a Community YMCA. Tracy has over 12 years of experience working in many settings including partial care hospitalization and intensive outpatient programs, community agencies, group practice, and school-based programs. Tracy works with clients of all ages, but especially enjoys working with the adolescents.