Infantilization is the practice of treating a teenager or adult like a child, even when they do not have any obvious disabilities that call for it. While this behavior can take place in all types of relationships, it is most commonly applied by parents to their children.
Oftentimes, as inexperienced new parents begin developing their parenting styles, they normally choose between trying to replicate the styles from the homes in which they were raised or doing the opposite of what their parents did. Some parents choose one of these options and also look to books and parenting experts to refine their techniques. All of this is perfectly normal and common among new parents.
Unfortunately, there are those who, for different reasons, have difficulty developing appropriate parent-child relationships and healthy parenting styles. Infantilization can negatively impact the child’s development and undermine the child’s confidence as an individual. One particular phenomenon that can result in a toxic relationship between parents and their children is infantilization, commonly referred to as “babying.”
Raising children to become functional, well-adjusted members of society is a challenging task, and many struggle with knowing whether or not they are “doing it right.” While there are a lot of books and opinions about the best way to raise children, there are several fundamental attributes that research has shown to be present in the homes of those children who have grown up to become confident, independent, empathetic, and overall great citizens of the world. Generally, a parent who can provide a balanced environment that is warm and nurturing but also contains clear, enforced boundaries is likely to have parenting success (Sanvictores & Mendez, 2022).
When a parent is too permissive and nurturing, having no boundaries or limits, or when they are too authoritarian, demanding, threatening, or even abusive, these toxic extremes lead children to struggle with developing appropriate ways to form their other relationships and transition to a life on their own when they become adults. Infantilization can also undermine a child’s ability to make their own decisions and develop confidence in their decision-making.
One particular type of toxic parenting relationship occurs when a parent struggles with having a solid sense of who they are as a person. This is more specifically characterized by those who have low self-worth, an inflated (or narcissistic) sense of self, and feelings of entitlement to the attention and admiration of their children. Infantilization can prevent the child from developing as an independent individual. When one has difficulty loving and understanding themselves, they can often develop codependent traits that impact their ability to raise children to be independent, free-thinking, and emotionally healthy adults. Parenting in this way can lead to infantilization.
Introduction to Infantilization
Infantilization is the act of treating someone like a child, even when they are fully capable of making decisions and caring for themselves. This kind of infantilizing behavior can be seen in many types of relationships, from parent-child dynamics to romantic partnerships and even social or workplace interactions. When someone is treated like a child, it can undermine their autonomy, making it harder for them to feel confident in their ability to make decisions and manage their own life. The effects of infantilization can be far-reaching, impacting a person’s self-esteem, independence, and overall well-being. Understanding why infantilization happens and how it affects individuals is essential for providing the right support and helping people develop the confidence and skills they need to thrive.
Causes of Infantilization
There are several reasons why someone may infantilize their children or others in their lives. For parents, infantilizing behaviors often stem from a lack of understanding of their child’s true abilities or from a desire to maintain control over their child’s choices and actions. In some cases, parents may believe they are helping or protecting their children, but this can limit the child’s growth and independence.
In romantic relationships, one partner may infantilize the other as a misguided way of showing care or affection, but this often leads to a loss of autonomy and confidence for the person being treated like a child. Additionally, individuals may sometimes infantilize themselves by seeking excessive help or attention from others, which can prevent them from developing the independence and self-reliance they need. These behaviors, whether intentional or not, can lead to a cycle where autonomy and confidence are continually undermined, making it difficult for individuals to grow and take on new challenges.
What Infantilizing Behavior Looks Like
Here is a list of common behaviors by parents that would be constituted as toxic parenting strategies and characterized as infantilizing behavior:
- “Babying” children – assuming they cannot do things they are developmentally capable of and stifling their ability to try. Infantilizing parents may also try to keep their children looking young to convey that they are unable to care for themselves, in style, appearance, or activities. This behavior prevents parents from seeing their child’s true abilities and maturity.
- Being judgmental and disapproving – expressing severe negative reactions to a child’s desire to branch out and have their own unique ideas or skills. Infantilizing parents may often shame their children for trying to make decisions on their own. Similarly, these infantilizing parents may also exhibit lots of negative criticism, being harsh and overly critical of their child’s independent behaviors, thoughts, and ideas.
- Rejecting or interfering in moves for independence – thwarting a child’s ability to grow by disallowing them to do things like get a driver’s license or move out of the house, or interfering in their relationships with others.
These behaviors can leave children feeling infantilized, even as they grow older. When parents fail to see their child’s maturity and independence, it can negatively impact the child’s self-esteem and sense of autonomy.
Infantilization in Relationships
Infantilization is not limited to parent-child relationships; it can occur in many different types of relationships. In families, a parent may treat their child as if they are much younger than they are, making decisions for them and limiting their independence. In romantic relationships, one partner might use infantilizing behavior as a way to exert control or dominance, often under the guise of caring for the other person.
In social or workplace settings, infantilization can take the form of patronizing or condescending behavior, where one person assumes another is less capable simply because of their age, experience, or background. Recognizing these patterns of behavior in relationships is important, as infantilization can damage trust, communication, and mutual respect. Addressing these issues early can help create healthier, more balanced relationships where everyone feels valued and capable.
Parenting Styles and Infantilization
The way parents interact with their children plays a significant role in whether or not infantilization occurs. Overly protective or controlling parents may infantilize their children by making decisions for them, limiting their opportunities to make choices, and even using baby talk long after it is age-appropriate. These parents may believe they are helping, but such behaviors can prevent children from developing the confidence and skills they need to become independent adults.
On the other hand, parents who encourage their children to make decisions, learn from mistakes, and take on age-appropriate responsibilities help foster autonomy and self-reliance. Striking a balance between providing support and allowing children the freedom to make choices is key. By doing so, parents can help their children build confidence, learn important life skills, and grow into capable, independent adults.
Effects on Autonomy
Being treated like a child when you are capable of making decisions can have serious effects on your sense of autonomy and self-confidence. Infantilization may lead someone to doubt their own abilities, making them feel incapable of making decisions or taking care of themselves. Over time, this can result in low self-esteem, a lack of independence, and difficulty developing essential life skills such as problem-solving and self-reliance. The effects of infantilization can also spill over into other relationships and areas of life, making it harder for someone to advocate for themselves or pursue their goals. Recognizing these effects is the first step toward change. With the right support—whether from friends, family, or a therapist—individuals can rebuild their confidence, learn new skills, and regain their independence. Seeking help is an important part of breaking the cycle of infantilization and moving toward a more autonomous, fulfilling life.
The Dangers of Infantilization
Parents who infantilize their children will emphasize a child’s incompetence in independent activities, making it difficult for them to feel confident in their ability to do things on their own without that parent. This can ultimately cause the child to develop a sense of anxiety or insecurity about being on their own or making their own decisions, which can lead to over-dependence on their parent and an inability to function in the world (Obradović et al., 2021).
This behavior often spans well into adulthood, and the child struggles to develop a life outside of their parents’ grasp. Infantilization can also continue to affect older individuals, not just children, leading to a lack of respect for their autonomy and maturity. If a child attempts to obtain some semblance of independence from parents, the parents may feel threatened and act out in emotionally explosive or abusive ways to cause the child to revert to their normal codependent status quo. Adults with autism are particularly at risk of being infantilized, and it is important to recognize their autonomy and adulthood rather than treating them as if they are perpetually children. This dynamic causes stress and can increase the likelihood that the child will develop severe symptoms associated with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues that prevent them from being able to function in everyday life.
How to Address Infantilization
Seeking support from a qualified and trained mental health professional can help the child of an infantilizing parent to develop their sense of self and self-worth, allowing them to establish healthy boundaries with their parents so they may move toward independence. This will be difficult and take some time, but with support, setting and keeping boundaries is possible. Doing the personal work, often with a therapist, is important to address the effects of infantilization and to build autonomy.
If an adult child finds that the boundaries are not being honored by a parent, they may need to decrease or eliminate contact with that parent to help improve their own mental health and stability, for what is hopefully a temporary period until they can establish an appropriate level of independence. Infantilization is something that can undermine autonomy and must be addressed for healthy development.
Sources
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- Gottschalk, S. (2018, August 1). The infantilization of Western culture. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/the-infantilization-of-western-culture-99556
- Keij, D. (2020, October 16). Immature Adults and Playing Children: On Bernard Stiegler’s Critique of Infantilization. Studies in Philosophy and Education, 40(1), 67–80. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11217-020-09742-9
- Kuppens, S., & Ceulemans, E. (2019). Parenting Styles: A Closer Look at a Well-Known Concept. Journal of child and family studies, 28(1), 168–181. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x
- Nuttall, A. K., Zhang, Q., Valentino, K., & Borkowski, J. G. (2019). Intergenerational Risk of Parentification and Infantilization to Externalizing Moderated by Child Temperament. Journal of marriage and the family, 81(3), 648–661. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12562
- Obradović, J., Sulik, M. J., & Shaffer, A. (2021). Learning to let go: Parental over-engagement predicts poorer self-regulation in kindergartners. Journal of Family Psychology, 35(8), 1160–1170. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000838
- Sanvictores, T., & Mendez, M. D. (2022, September 18). Types of parenting styles and effects on children. StatPearls – NCBI Bookshelf. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/
Dr. Shannon McHugh is a Licensed Clinical and Forensic Psychologist in Los Angeles, California. She specializes in assessment and treatment of children, adolescents, and adults who have developmental and social delays, behavioral difficulties, and those who have experienced traumatic events