Most married couples will tell you that it takes a lot of work to enjoy a strong relationship. But when one partner has Asperger’s Syndrome, keeping the relationship healthy and happy can become even more challenging. Asperger’s is a condition on the autism spectrum. Asperger syndrome is recognized as a distinct condition within the autism spectrum, with unique characteristics that can shape relationship dynamics. Physical characteristics, attentiveness, and other unique qualities of a person with Asperger’s can influence initial attraction and perceptions in these relationships.
A person with Asperger’s is usually highly functioning but socially awkward, with an inability to effectively communicate and naturally socialize. While there are challenges, a person with Asperger’s can also be seen as a partner attractive to some due to qualities such as kindness, attentiveness, and moral integrity. These are among the characteristics women find appealing in a romantic partner with Asperger syndrome, including social naivety and shared interests. These qualities can make a strong impression on a prospective partner and influence the development of a relationship. Given the incapacity to communicate and connect with their spouse emotionally, the relationship between a person with Asperger’s Syndrome and a neurotypical person (someone without autism) can be filled with frustration, misunderstandings, and stress.
Those with the developmental disorder are usually highly functioning but socially awkward, with an inability to effectively communicate and naturally socialize. Some characteristics women find appealing in a partner with Asperger’s—such as kindness, attentiveness, or social naivety—can make a partner attractive despite communication challenges. The perspective of the typical partner may differ, as their expectations or perceptions about emotional connection and social interaction can lead to misunderstandings in the relationship.
A Glimpse Into Asperger’s Syndrome and Autism Spectrum Disorder
Understanding how those with Asperger’s think may help reduce the angst within a relationship. Knowing how the disorder affects their view of the world can be unbelievably valuable in breaking down communication barriers. While those with classic autism may have acute impairments, that is not usually the case for those with Asperger’s syndrome.
Instead, they typically have difficulty making eye contact, taking verbal and nonverbal cues, reading facial expressions and body language, and may lack empathy. Individuals with Asperger’s may also struggle to acquire relationship knowledge and adult relationship skills, making it difficult to navigate social and romantic situations. They also may do or say things that are inappropriate or offensive to others.
Due to a lack of social skills and several idiosyncrasies, people with Asperger’s may lack friendships and are often labeled as loners. Understanding social and sexual codes can be particularly challenging, and being able to correctly interpret someone’s intentions is often a significant hurdle. The relationship skills experienced by individuals with Asperger’s can vary widely, and some may require additional support to develop these abilities (Ee et al., 2019).
At the same time, some individuals or their partners may possess intuitive social knowledge, which can help bridge gaps in social understanding.
How Asperger’s Syndrome Impacts Romantic Relationships
Trouble communicating and a lack of empathy are among the top reasons why someone may find an Asperger’s marriage challenging. Frustration from their neurotypical spouse can lead to a lack of understanding and endless arguments. Over time, the emotional disconnect can be too much to handle for the non-Asperger’s partner. Individuals with Asperger’s often struggle to communicate emotions, which can further strain the relationship.
Individuals with Asperger’s often struggle in particular with communicating their emotions, which can make it difficult to express affection or respond to their partner’s emotional needs, impacting relationship development. People with Asperger’s may demonstrate relatively modest expressions of affection, which can be perceived as less frequent or intense compared to neurotypical partners. They may also have difficulty correctly interpreting someone’s intentions, leading to misunderstandings and frustration for both partners.
They may become fed up with feeling unloved, lonely, depressed, and overall worn down by misunderstandings and disagreements. It is not uncommon for the non-Asperger’s spouse to constantly feel hurt and angry by something the Asperger’s partner says. The fact that the neurotypical spouse feels as though their partner simply “doesn’t get it” can be overwhelming. Because, yes, the person with Asperger’s does “not get it,” which is often frustrating for them too. These ongoing challenges can significantly impact the partner’s mental health, especially in long-term relationships (Girardi et al., 2020).
Challenges In An Asperger’s Marriage
The challenges in an Asperger’s marriage can be far-reaching and include the following issues:
Intimacy Problems
Intimacy can be difficult to achieve in an Asperger’s marriage. Due to a lack of empathy and overwhelming sensory issues, sex is one of the first noticeable struggles for the couple. Individuals with Asperger’s may have difficulty understanding appropriate sexual behaviour and sexual feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings in romantic and sexual relationships.
People with Asperger’s are unable to gauge when their partner is enjoying (or not enjoying) aspects of sex because they struggle with reading body language. This difficulty in interpreting cues can increase the risk of sexually inappropriate behaviour, as actions may be misinterpreted or expressed in ways that do not align with social norms. This makes it hard for the non-Asperger’s spouse, who feels as though they constantly have to talk during sex and give directions.
It is important to differentiate between inappropriate and sexually abusive conduct; while misunderstandings may lead to inappropriate or risky behaviour, understanding boundaries is crucial to prevent any escalation to sexually abusive actions. It is also essential to distinguish between sexually inappropriate behaviour and sexually violent behaviour, as recognizing and addressing different levels of sexual misconduct helps ensure appropriate interventions and support.
Programs and guidance on sexuality specifically designed for individuals with Asperger’s syndrome are valuable in helping them understand sexual boundaries and healthy relationship practices.
Parenting Issues
Children may be the demise of the Asperger’s/neurotypical relationship. Often, the neurotypical spouse is troubled by the lack of empathy expressed toward their child/children. A parent with Asperger’s may not understand the child’s needs, make hurtful comments, or ignore the child completely. In some cases, one’s social immaturity can further affect their parenting style and relationship with their children, making it more difficult to respond appropriately to their emotional and social needs. Additionally, low self-esteem in women with Asperger’s can impact their relationship choices and parenting, potentially making them more vulnerable to unhealthy dynamics.
Strain of Socialization
Because of their partner’s lack of social skills, the non-Asperger’s partner may experience the strain of social situations. They may feel that they need to “save” their spouse from embarrassment or saying something inappropriate.
Often, the couple completely stops going out or entertaining because socializing is too hard for both. Or the non-Asperger’s partner continues to go out, leaving their Asperger’s partner at home. Sometimes, an Asperger’s partner will turn to alcohol to feel more comfortable and “normal” in social settings.
Joining a support group, hobby or interest group, or even an animal protection group can help individuals with Asperger’s build social skills, find support, and develop meaningful relationships in a welcoming environment. Having a socially perceptive friend can also be invaluable, as they can help assess the character of potential romantic partners and provide guidance in social situations.
The Role of Special Interests in Relationships
Special interests are a hallmark of Asperger’s syndrome and can play a pivotal role in shaping a romantic relationship. For many individuals on the autism spectrum, a special interest is more than just a hobby—it’s a source of intense personal satisfaction and joy. Special interests can also help individuals with Asperger’s understand bewildering aspects of social and emotional experiences, providing clarity and comfort in confusing situations. When a person with Asperger’s shares their special interest with their partner, it can bring a unique energy and depth to the relationship. This passion can be contagious, offering opportunities for shared experiences and deeper connections.
However, it’s important to recognize that a special interest can sometimes take center stage, potentially leading to an imbalance where one partner feels left out or secondary to the interest itself. In such a relationship, open communication about needs and boundaries is essential. The partner with Asperger’s can work on balancing time spent on their special interest with quality time devoted to the relationship, while the other partner can show support by taking an interest in their loved one’s passions, even if only occasionally.
By embracing and respecting each other’s differences, couples can turn special interests into a strength within their romantic relationship. Finding ways to integrate these interests, such as attending events together or learning about the topic as a team, can foster teamwork and mutual appreciation. Ultimately, understanding and valuing special interests can help couples on the autism spectrum build a more fulfilling and successful relationship.
The Person with Asperger’s Perspective
For individuals with Asperger’s syndrome, navigating the social and relationship world can feel both intriguing and overwhelming. While they may face challenges in reading social cues, initiating conversations, or expressing romantic or sexual feelings, it’s important to recognize that people with Asperger’s are fully capable of forming deep, meaningful connections. Their approach to relationships may be different, often relying on logic and directness rather than intuition, but this can bring a refreshing honesty and clarity to a partnership.
Successful relationships are possible for those with Asperger’s, especially when both partners are willing to communicate openly and adapt to each other’s needs. Individuals with Asperger’s may benefit from explicit discussions about emotions, expectations, and boundaries, as subtle hints or nonverbal cues can be easily missed. It’s also helpful for partners to remember that expressions of affection or empathy might look different, sometimes taking the form of practical support or shared activities rather than overt emotional displays.
By embracing these differences and working together, couples can build a strong foundation of trust and understanding. With patience, encouragement, and the right support, individuals with Asperger’s can experience the joy and fulfillment of successful relationships, enjoying both intimate and romantic connections that are uniquely their own.
Developing Relationship Skills
Developing strong relationship skills is essential for individuals with Asperger’s syndrome, as these skills can significantly impact their ability to form and maintain successful relationships. Teaching relationship skills—such as clear communication, empathy, and understanding social and sexual codes—can help individuals with Asperger’s navigate the often complex social and relationship world. Programs specifically designed to address relationships and sexuality can provide practical tools and strategies, making it easier to build connections and foster intimacy.
Support groups and online communities offer valuable opportunities for individuals with Asperger’s and their partners to share experiences, seek advice, and learn from others who understand their unique challenges. Established support groups can also provide a safe space to practice social skills and receive feedback in a supportive environment. Additionally, joining a hobby or interest group can be a great way to meet new people, develop friendships, and pursue special interests, all while building confidence in social situations.
By focusing on teaching and practicing relationship skills, individuals with Asperger’s can better understand the nuances of the relationship world and facilitate successful relationships. These efforts not only improve romantic and intimate connections but also enhance overall well-being and social integration.
Coping Strategies When Your Partner Has Asperger’s Syndrome
Navigating a relationship where one partner has Asperger’s syndrome can be both rewarding and challenging. To facilitate successful relationships, it’s important to develop coping strategies that address the unique dynamics of autism spectrum disorder. Communication difficulties and emotional disconnect can significantly impact both partners’ mental health, sometimes leading to feelings of loneliness, exhaustion, or distress. One effective approach is to establish a daily routine that includes intentional time for communication and connection, helping both partners feel valued and understood.
Educating yourself about autism spectrum disorders and how they affect relationship skills is another key step. By learning about the social and empathy continuum, you can better appreciate your partner’s perspective and develop more patience and empathy. Having an empathic partner who can provide social and emotional guidance is especially valuable, as they help bridge communication gaps and support the person with Asperger’s. Many couples find it helpful to participate in support groups, where they can share experiences and learn from others facing similar challenges. These established support groups can also provide valuable resources for teaching relationship skills and improving adult relationship skills.
Remember, every relationship is unique, and what works for one partner may not work for another. Flexibility, open-mindedness, and a willingness to adapt are crucial for building a strong foundation. By focusing on growth, seeking out support, and continually working to improve relationship skills, couples can thrive together on the autism spectrum. With the right tools and understanding, it’s possible to create a long-term, successful relationship that celebrates both partners’ strengths and differences.
Coping Strategies for a Successful Relationship When Your Partner Has Asperger’s Syndrome
People with Asperger’s Syndrome can have a happy marriage and be loving parents. Programs and strategies that improve friendship skills and relationship skills for people with Asperger’s are important for building strong connections and social understanding. The following are a few ways to nurture a successful relationship:
- Encourage teamwork abilities within the relationship and family to strengthen collaboration and mutual support.
- Developing these relationship and friendship skills can also contribute to successful employment and a successful career for individuals with Asperger’s, supporting independence and personal fulfillment.
Communicate
Do not beat around the bush and avoid sarcasm or hints (they won’t get it). Asperger’s partners need clear and concise communication, either in writing or verbally. Clear verbal communication and explicit social communication are especially important for couples where one partner has Asperger’s, as difficulties in interpreting facial expressions, gestures, and verbal cues can impact emotional connection. Avoid emotion and get straight to the point. Challenges in the ability to communicate reciprocal feelings can also affect relationship satisfaction, so it is important to use direct and concrete language to express affection and understanding.
Set Parenting Rules
Discuss situations away from the children. The partner with Asperger’s may miss cues from the child that the other neurotypical parent can pick up. In many cases, the non-Asperger’s partner may need to take control of discipline because the obvious is not something the other parent can see. This can be especially true if the parent with Asperger’s was previously socially excluded, as their own experiences of social isolation may make it harder for them to recognize and respond to their children’s social needs.
Seek Support
There are many support groups online for Asperger’s marriages. From Facebook groups to meetups, there are plenty of people in the same situation. Knowing that you aren’t alone in a difficult marriage can be extremely helpful. Non-Asperger’s partners can share what has helped in their marriage, and you can share, too.
In addition, developing resource material specifically designed for individuals with Asperger’s and their families can provide valuable guidance and support in building relationship skills.
Consider Therapy
Communication is key to a happy marriage, and that is the hardest part about an Asperger’s marriage. Working with a professional therapist to navigate the dynamics of your relationship can help you not only cope but ultimately thrive. Recognizing and leveraging intellectual ability during therapy can further enhance outcomes and contribute to greater relationship satisfaction.
Online Couples Therapy
It is common for both partners to feel alone in an Asperger’s/neurotypical relationship. Behavioral therapy and communication training are just a few of the ways online marriage counseling can help. Through video chats, phone calls, and text messages, couples and individuals receive round-the-clock support at home or on the go. You deserve to effectively communicate with your spouse for a happier and healthier relationship.
Online therapy can also provide ongoing support for couples in long-term relationships where one partner has Asperger’s, helping them navigate challenges and strengthen their partnership over time.
In Summary
A relationship in which one partner has Asperger’s has its challenges, and those challenges are exacerbated once children are involved. However, with patience and dedication on the side of both partners and guidance from professionals, the couple can enjoy a happy, meaningful relationship.
Sources
- Ee, D., Hwang, Y. I. J., Reppermund, S., Srasuebkul, P., Trollor, J. N., Foley, K. R., & Arnold, S. R. C. (2019). Loneliness in Adults on the Autism Spectrum. Autism in adulthood : challenges and management, 1(3), 182–193. https://doi.org/10.1089/aut.2018.0038
- Faridi, F., & Khosrowabadi, R. (2017). Behavioral, Cognitive and Neural Markers of Asperger Syndrome. Basic and clinical neuroscience, 8(5), 349–359. https://doi.org/10.18869/nirp.bcn.8.5.349
- Girardi, A., Curran, M. S., & Snyder, B. L. (2020). Healthy intimate relationships and the adult with autism. Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association, 27(5), 405–414. https://doi.org/10.1177/1078390320949923
- Levy, S. M., & Witte, T. H. (2023). An Analysis of Social and Coping Alcohol Use Motives for College Students with Autistic Traits. Substance use & misuse, 58(10), 1246–1253. https://doi.org/10.1080/10826084.2023.2215314
- Signs and symptoms of autism spectrum disorder. (2024, May 16). Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). https://www.cdc.gov/autism/signs-symptoms/index.html
Amanda is a wellness writer & enthusiast with over 12 years experience writing in the industry. She has a bachelors degree in Creative Writing from NYU. She is certified by the American College of Sports Medicine and the American School of Nutrition & Personal Training. Amanda is also a celebrity publicist.