Jealousy is an emotion that very commonly creates discord and strife in romantic relationships. While the impact this emotion has on a relationship can vary, it’s usually damaging and generally leads to some level of disconnection. Jealousy can be insidious, as it can start with one partner feeling mildly concerned over a threat to their relationship, and quickly spiral out of control if not addressed. Often, jealousy arises when one partner feels threatened by a perceived or real rival, which can trigger insecurity and anxiety.
Does jealousy always ruin a relationship, or can it be managed in a way that preserves trust and connection?
Jealousy is an intense, complicated feeling that can even lead to aggressive and dysfunctional behaviors. It may result from actual past events that have created distrust between the partners. However, much of the time, jealousy is irrational and leads to emotional overreaction and conflict. It’s a complex emotion that can be both healthy and destructive, depending on how it’s managed. In fact, jealousy can be a healthy emotion when experienced in moderation, as it may signal care and investment in the relationship.
Understanding Jealousy
Jealousy is a natural feeling that almost everyone experiences at some point in their relationships. It’s a complex emotion that can be both healthy and destructive, depending on how it’s managed. When one partner feels threatened or insecure, jealousy can surface—sometimes as a fleeting worry, other times as a more intense, angry reaction.
A jealous partner may feel anxious or upset, even if the threat to the relationship is only imagined. Understanding jealousy is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, as it can either bring partners closer together through honest conversation or drive them apart if left unchecked.
The Impact of Jealousy
There are multiple reasons that people experience jealousy, some of which are healthier than others. In fact, depending on how the feelings of jealousy are communicated, they can actually be well received by the partner. But regardless of the cause, they can become a destructive force in a relationship. Jealousy can impact both spouses individually, affecting their sense of trust and security. Open communication between each spouse is essential to address jealousy and maintain a healthy relationship.
Jealousy can cause people to live in a state of hypervigilance, being on edge that their partner might become disloyal or simply disinterested. It is often expressed in the form of anger, rage, or paranoia. Jealousy can also lead to frequent fights or arguments, further straining the relationship. When it becomes unmanageable, individuals will begin to pull away from their jealous partner. Unfortunately, this expected detachment can seem like a self-fulfilling prophecy for the one who is jealous.
It can become quite irrational, as fear feeds jealousy. People can begin to believe the lies their fear is telling them through their thinking patterns. They can be quick to misinterpret cues in their environment or over-personalize behavior that is not directed at them. Their lens can become quite distorted and incomplete. Jealous people may become consumed by irrational jealousy, which can further distort their perception of reality.
As a result, it causes people to be overly sensitive to the behaviors of their partners. Jealousy can lead to people becoming controlling, possessive, and even potentially abusive. Jealous partners can begin obsessing and even demonstrating stalking behaviors. Controlling partners may use accusatory questions to manipulate or control their spouse. These possessive or controlling behaviors are wrong and harmful. They can become so consumed with these concerns that they find it difficult to think about anything else. These behaviors can emotionally damage both partners and undermine the relationship.
Jealousy will suffocate a relationship. There is no room for extreme jealousy in a healthy partnership. It can create quite a toxicity between people, as it leads to frustration, arguments, and overall dissatisfaction for all involved. Jealousy can easily turn toxic, escalating from a normal feeling to a destructive force that harms the relationship. If you are consumed with jealousy, it may feel like passion or love on the surface, but it is distinctly different. Unchecked jealousy can make relationship problems worse. Ultimately, you risk losing the relationship if jealousy is not addressed. There is no room for genuine love when jealousy is dominating a relationship.
Normal Jealousy
Normal jealousy is a natural feeling that can arise in any relationship, often triggered by a perceived threat, like your partner spending time with someone else. Feeling jealous from time to time can actually signal that you care about your partner and value your relationship. In a healthy relationship, these feelings are acknowledged and discussed openly, without blame or accusation. The key is to recognize when normal jealousy starts to shift into unhealthy jealousy, which can lead to controlling behavior, emotional distance, and eventually destroy relationships.
Open communication and honesty are essential; partners should talk about their feelings and concerns, working together to find solutions that strengthen trust and connection. By addressing jealousy in a healthy way, couples can prevent it from turning toxic and keep their relationship on solid ground.
Causes of Jealousy
Jealousy in relationships often stems from a mix of emotions and underlying insecurities. People who feel jealous may experience fear, anger, worry, doubt, or even a sense of failure. These feelings can be triggered by real or imagined threats, such as concerns about infidelity or losing a partner’s affection.
Insecurity is a common root cause—when someone feels unworthy of love or doubts their own value, they may become more prone to jealousy. Sometimes, a lack of trust or emotional closeness in the relationship can also fuel these feelings. Understanding the causes of jealousy is the first step toward addressing it healthily. By recognizing what’s driving these emotions, individuals and couples can respond with greater empathy and work together to build a stronger, more secure relationship.
Overcoming Jealousy in a Healthy Relationship
There are usually communication breakdowns when jealousy enters a relationship. If this has occurred, there are actions couples can take to mend and heal. Open the lines of communication and share your concerns and fears without accusing or attacking one another. Talking openly about jealousy is essential in addressing misunderstandings and building trust.
Talk about each other’s strengths and revisit what brought you together in the first place. Everyone in a relationship needs affirmation from their partner, so find ways to include it in your interactions. Work together to find healthy actions each person can take to foster more trust in the relationship. Enhancing communication can help rebuild trust and create a stronger foundation. It is important to deal with jealousy constructively to prevent it from damaging the relationship. Make sure to honestly express your feelings and listen to your partner’s perspective. Try to understand the root causes of jealousy, such as past experiences or insecurities.
Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and open communication, not suspicion or control. Practicing self-love can help prevent jealousy by fostering confidence and emotional security. Building self-esteem is also crucial in managing jealous feelings and reducing insecurity. Jealousy can cause anxiety and stress, affecting both partners’ well-being. Feeling worried about your relationship can fuel jealousy and mistrust. Sometimes, being afraid of losing your partner can trigger jealous reactions. Jealousy often stems from a desire for security, love, or affirmation. It is important to recognize that envy is different from jealousy, as envy involves wanting something someone else has, while jealousy is about fear of loss. If you are struggling, reach out to a friend or family member for support and understanding. Jealousy must be dealt with proactively to prevent it from escalating and harming the relationship.
If you feel severe jealousy in a relationship, it can be beneficial to seek out a therapist. Professional therapists can provide guidance and a safe space to address jealousy and rebuild trust. Advice from a relationship expert can also offer valuable strategies for overcoming jealousy. The more that you have invested in a partnership, the scarier it can feel to consider losing it. The fear and concern over losing someone or something can be addressed in relationship therapy sessions. Gaining this insight and understanding will improve the dynamics in your current and future relationships.
Sources
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- Attridge, M. (2013). Jealousy and Relationship Closeness. SAGE Open, 3(1), 215824401347605. https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244013476054
- Leahy, R. L., PhD. (2018). The Jealousy Cure: Learn to Trust, Overcome Possessiveness, and Save Your Relationship (1st ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
- Leary M. R. (2015). Emotional responses to interpersonal rejection. Dialogues in clinical neuroscience, 17(4), 435–441. https://doi.org/10.31887/DCNS.2015.17.4/mleary
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Karen Doll has been a Licensed Psychologist in the Twin Cities for 20 years, working in organizational consulting. She leverages her education in Clinical Psychology with her leadership assessment expertise in her practice. She is an executive coach focusing on helping people maximize their potential.