This article began with a question at my status update on Facebook:
“Care to play a potentially helpful game with me?
“I’m preparing an article entitled “How Well Do You Know Me? See How Well You Know Your Partner.” Rather than rely on the same old Q’s and A’s typical of such articles, I’m looking for questions that plumb the depths of souls, insights and motives.
“Please PM me about
“1) One or more questions that you ache for your partner or potential partner, even your other friends, to ask of you.
“WHAT do you want them to know? Phrase that in a question or two.
“2) What are the questions that could have improved your life had you asked them of your partner?
“I will not name respondents in the article. Your privacy is protected.”
Here are the questions that simply filled my Inbox with astonishing speed, a lesson in and of itself:
“Are my eyes blue? Green? Brown? Amber? Hazel? Black?”
“Can you name my educational degrees?”
“Can you tell me my favorite joke?”
“What are my goals, hobbies and priorities?”
“What’s my favorite activity?”
“What am I most proud of?”
“What are my favorite colors?”
“What interests you the most about me?”
Consider the questions above. Which ones do you want to add?
Here are some of the FAQs found online:
“Can you describe my belief in GOD?”
“Did I have a favorite teacher?”
“Do I celebrate my birthday publicly or privately, or at all?”
“How do I like my coffee/tea?”
“What was the name of my pet and tell me what it was.”
“What were my most favorite and least favorite things about my childhood?”
“Who do I like better, my mother or father?”
“Which form of exercise is my fave?”
“Who are my closest friends?”
“Who’s my favorite artist, singer, entertainer, speaker, comedian, politician, public figure, reporter, (fill in the blanks as you wish)?”
Before we go further with this article, consider one thought if you’re asking the questions: Being a good listener is as important as asking questions that plumb the depths of souls, insights and motives.
Before you respond to a question if you’re the person being asked, consider the answer you thought of first, second and third. No knee-jerk reactions desired. They might come from your preconceived preferences, not from the information you received.
Respond from deep thought, balanced emotion and genuine curiosity, askers and responders. Do you know what the person needs to be happy, functional, and secure? Did you find out what you have in common that surprises you?
How do you know that you’re in love, if this is a romantic situation? Answer: When you see the person, the character intentionally developed in the person before you. Love is when you bond with something outside yourself. You become bigger, more meaningful as part of the relationship. You give more, and more deeply to the beloved person, than before.
Love is not when you feel turned on, excited to be you because you’re at your best when you’re with the person lighting your fire. That’s a deceptive perception though it feels quite energizing and fulfilling. You’re actually in love with and fascinated by yourself in such a situation. The other person reinforces your desired perception of yourself. Love, on the other hand, is when you transcend yourself, bonding with the other person as both of you become a new, insightful, conjoined reality. You see the other person, their mindset, their goals and needs, before you see yourself. This is the gut-wonderful feeling that mature parents feel for children, especially newborns. They give to the child according to his or her needs, rather than insisting that the child/ren meet the parents’ needs. It is the immature parent who makes children into obedient automatons who must say, especially in front of other observers, “I love you Mommy” or “I love you, Daddy.” The forced act, and it is an act, places mom or dad on the pedestal they wish to occupy, legends in their own minds. It is the same with alleged love relationships. The person using clichés to build or to reinforce what you wish to be is not in a loving relationship. Neither are you. You’re coming from fear, insecurity and a sense of being incomplete without the cheerleader.
Love is when the word “I” is not often in your shared conversations. Love is when you perceive the other person’s needs. Your eyes and hearts share perceptions and goals. You do things for their benefit. You give rather than take. The level of connection and unity between you is of a startling clarity. The question to ask yourself now is “How well do I know the person for whom I feel love?” Let him or her answer “How well do you know me?” and you’ll have an interesting point of entry into learning the answers.
Yocheved Golani is a popular writer whose byline has appeared worldwide in print and online. A certified Health Information Management professional, she is a member of Get Help Israel. Certified in Spiritual Chaplaincy (End of Life issues) and in counseling skills, her life coaching for ill people puts healthy perspective into a clients’ success plan for achieving desired goals.